Come into my parlor...

Warning

The post you are about to read is canon.

~

You know, it's really hard for me to connect with people in this day and age. I just don't get some of this stuff that's cropped up in the last few years. Airplanes? Smartphones? This so-called "web"? When I was just a little 100 year-old larva, the only web we had at home was the one we made for ourselves! Of course, I haven't been home in ages; some bitch in red came in and I'm pretty sure everyone I knew from there is dead. Maybe one or two of them got out, but I don't know; I didn't stay to check. Yamame Kurodane ain't no sucker, that's for sure!

Hell, I had to go or else I'd've gotten hungry in a hurry! You can only eat so many dead people until you either get sick of it or they've decomposed past edibility. And believe me, you don't want that!

But you, buddy, you're different. Most people see me and wonder when school got out, but you saw past that and wanted to hang out! Be pals, have some fun, do some cool stuff. Ah, good times we had, my friend. Good times. And, heck, ice cream? I think that's the best thing that's happened to the world since meat!

But we both know all about that, right? You're such a great guy, offering to let me eat your meat when we've only known each other for a little while. I know how excited it made you when I accepted too, moreso when I suggested you come back to my place! You ARE a good friend.

I hope you're comfortable there, bundled up so warm and snug. Ooooooh, I could just eat you up, you look so good there! Shhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhhh, there's no need to say anything.

......why are you screaming? You look like you've never seen a girl with eight legs before. I mean, you KNEW I was a spider; why else would I web you up like this? Heeeeeeeee. Maybe you DIDN'T know? You think maybe you're dreaming? Well, that's fine. Get yourself worked up over nothing; adrenaline tastes so sweet, I love it.

I love you.

I just wish I could eat you all up.

But you're too big for one meal, so I think I'm going to suck you dry and turn the rest into jerky. I mean, who doesn't love jerky, am I right?

Shhh....it'll all be...oh dammit. A phone call? Now?

Hello? Ah, no, Sergeant! I'm not tied up at the moment at all. A mission? I'll be right there.

Sigh....always manages the worst time to call. Well, you don't mind waiting for me, right? I'll just wrap another layer over you; I don't want my dinner getting cold after all.

Ha ha ha!