Sunday, February 28, 2016

Super Sentai Squad!...sans the super and sentai part...

Warning
The post you are about to read is canon.

Teknowledg-E Industries factory, India

With the stealth of a tornado sneaking through a trumpet collection, the six figures broke into the old factory. The security guards patrolling the facility were quick to respond, but just as quick to flee when they saw what kinds of horrible creatures were attacking. Horned, multi-colored, and reptilian, the invaders helped themselves to whatever pieces of technology they could find. The leader examined each device carefully, looking for sophisticated computer machines to put his plans into action. His companions, save the most elderly of the group, quickly grew bored of this exercise and began tossing things around in search of...well, not even they knew for sure except for the largest member of the group, who continuously asked if anyone saw a vending machine.


"When do we get to smash stuff?!"

"I'm not carrying anything, right? I'll chip a nail!"

"This is all so pointless."

"Duuuuuhhhhh........does anyone else smell toast?"

The leader quickly grew agitated and snarled, bringing the four into line.

"Go to the upper levels and keep an eye out for the authorities," he ordered. "Master Zik and I will find our objective."

The leader slammed his fists together, cracking nearby computer monitors with a sonic wave.

"Now we shall get the real work done, yes?" Master Zik, the elderly Zeti, asked.

"Indeed we shall, Master," Zavok, leader of the group, responded as he set a device aside. "These components are more than suitable for repairing the scraps Eggman left behind for us."

The two continued to search the factory, quietly scavenging even as their companions continued to complain about being assigned boring tasks. The stream of complaints ended suddenly though, replaced by the sounds of hand-to-hand combat and gunfire. Moments later, the largest reptile, Zomom, came crashing down.


Zavok facepalmed at how obvious the statement was. The sounds of his other minions, Zazz the Wild, Zeema the Vain, and Zor the Depressing, engaged in battle echoed across the factory. Other voices rang out as well: a gruff, commanding voice giving out orders as a chorus of high-pitched voices, something in German, and a strange roar answered back. There was also, oddly, the sound of a monkey.

"Continue your work, my student," Master Zik said. "I will see that you have time to find everything and leave."

Zavok nodded and turned back to his work. "I entrust our success to you then, Master."

With deceptive speed, Master Zik and Zomom leapt into the air and back towards the battle, where Zazz found himself being pummeled on three sides by a soldier with a shotgun and a cigar and a strange, masked alien with dreadlocks while Zor tried to escape the alternating curses and bullets of an insane robotic doctor. Zeema, meanwhile, was dodging around a purple-haired human girl with a hammer and fire magic, pausing only to throw something at the girl. Master Zik immediately launched a kick at the alien, catching it in the chest while Zomom tried to tackle the soldier to no effect.

The alien quickly rose to its feet in time for Master Zik to launch another fierce kick, except this time the Zeti was stopped mid-air as he found himself engulfed in some kind of webbing.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAA! I gots me a biggun', Sarge!"

Master Zik quickly removed the webbing from him as he was attacked from above by a human girl almost as short as he was. The girl moved quickly but shot webbing from her hands in a very UNhuman-like fashion.

"Don't get cocky, Kurodane!" 'Sarge' shouted back. "These guys are almost tough enough to make me sweat!"

"Arrogant children!" Master Zik spat. "You shall have a lesson in respect beat into your heads!"

"Gotta hit me first, you prune!" 'Kurodane' taunted.

The elderly Zeti launched a flurry of punches and kicks at the girl, but her giggling never ceased, even when he did manage to land a hit. The girl was fast, but speed alone was nothing. She also had the annoying habit of bouncing off of walls, leaping high into the air, and at times outright flying.

"Need me to slow down?" she giggled again, evading a strike from Master Zik's staff.

A moment later, a burst of light shot from the first floor and struck the girl in the side.

"No, I don't think I will," Zavok stated matter-of-factly. "In fact, you may want to speed up. Deadly Six, we go!"

The other Zeti, bleeding and nursing wounds, were quick to fall back as their leader began spitting lasers and fireballs at their attackers. 'Sarge' and the alien returned fire, but the reptilians were quickly out of sight.

"Damn, almost had 'em....E.M.E.T., get over here! Kurodane's injured!" 'Sarge' ordered.

"Yes, Sergeant Johnson! I am right here!" the mechanic doctor E.M.E.T. responded, rushing over. "DAMMIT there's not even any interesting burns! Oh fucking well, deploying Healing Buoy."

Yamame Kurodane sighed as she felt her wound patching up. She'd let another badguy get the drop on her.

"Don't sweat it, kid. We'll fight 'em again," Sergeant Johnson said reassuringly. "Meanwhile, Predator, get on sentry duty. See if you can find them. Lucca, you figure out what those ugly geckos were after."

The excited chirping of a monkey interrupted the execution of Johnson's orders. Data the Monkey, a mechanical simian, trundled over.

"Orders from the patron, sir," Data reported. "Local authorities are en route. We are to return to the safe house for further orders. Another team will investigate the enemy's objective."

Johnson sighed. He didn't like leaving an unsecured combat zone, but orders were orders. "Alright team, pack it up and let's move out. Payment's waiting at the base."

Yamame sighed as the rest of her team left the factory the same way they'd come in. She wanted to punch something and vent her frustration, but settled for trying to imagine what Zeti blood tasted like as she crawled out into the night.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Come into my parlor...

Warning
The post you are about to read is canon.

~

You know, it's really hard for me to connect with people in this day and age. I just don't get some of this stuff that's cropped up in the last few years. Airplanes? Smartphones? This so-called "web"? When I was just a little 100 year-old larva, the only web we had at home was the one we made for ourselves! Of course, I haven't been home in ages; some bitch in red came in and I'm pretty sure everyone I knew from there is dead. Maybe one or two of them got out, but I don't know; I didn't stay to check. Yamame Kurodane ain't no sucker, that's for sure!

Hell, I had to go or else I'd've gotten hungry in a hurry! You can only eat so many dead people until you either get sick of it or they've decomposed past edibility. And believe me, you don't want that!

But you, buddy, you're different. Most people see me and wonder when school got out, but you saw past that and wanted to hang out! Be pals, have some fun, do some cool stuff. Ah, good times we had, my friend. Good times. And, heck, ice cream? I think that's the best thing that's happened to the world since meat!

But we both know all about that, right? You're such a great guy, offering to let me eat your meat when we've only known each other for a little while. I know how excited it made you when I accepted too, moreso when I suggested you come back to my place! You ARE a good friend.

I hope you're comfortable there, bundled up so warm and snug. Ooooooh, I could just eat you up, you look so good there! Shhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhhh, there's no need to say anything.

......why are you screaming? You look like you've never seen a girl with eight legs before. I mean, you KNEW I was a spider; why else would I web you up like this? Heeeeeeeee. Maybe you DIDN'T know? You think maybe you're dreaming? Well, that's fine. Get yourself worked up over nothing; adrenaline tastes so sweet, I love it.

I love you.

I just wish I could eat you all up.

But you're too big for one meal, so I think I'm going to suck you dry and turn the rest into jerky. I mean, who doesn't love jerky, am I right?

Shhh....it'll all be...oh dammit. A phone call? Now?

Hello? Ah, no, Sergeant! I'm not tied up at the moment at all. A mission? I'll be right there.

Sigh....always manages the worst time to call. Well, you don't mind waiting for me, right? I'll just wrap another layer over you; I don't want my dinner getting cold after all.

Ha ha ha!